Hilarious Essex joke!!!

[lightbeing]

A mate of mine sent me this, he comes from Essex!


ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL

You may have heard of yesterday's storm damage in the UK
which affected Essex.

Locally it was referred to as Hurricane Shazza and hit Essex in the
early
hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of
damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del
Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed and many locals
were woken well before their benefit giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Basildon.

However, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on
as normal.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old> > mother of 5, said,
"It was such a shock. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running
into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and
Victoria-Storm,
slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and
watching
Trisha the next morning."


The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers
are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities
of
personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth
Duke
at Argos and Bone China from Poundstretcher.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or
Burberry baseball
Caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), White
sport socks,
Rockport boots. Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans,
Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
Remember, 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms; £2
Buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9; £5
buys a packet of Benson and Hedges and a lighter to calm the> >
nerves of those affected.**Breaking news** Rescue
workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
"Where are you bleeding from?' they asked " ROMFORD" said the
girl. "Woss that gotta do wiv you"? (Please don't forward this to
anyone living in Essex - Oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it,
anyway.)

[auron]

[hagbard_celine]

The loss of cars in the flood will increase Essex's virginity rates!

(In Essex, the word "virgin" refers to a person who has never had sex in a car)

[hagbard_celine]

More Essex jokes from my friends:

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
'How many children?' asks the council worker.
'10' replies the Essex girl.
'10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'
'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne,
Wayne and Wayne.'
'Doesn't that get confusing?'
'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...'
'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed council worker.
'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. 'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up me dress.' she
says.
'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear.
'No' she replies. 'This time it's mayonnaise.'


Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'
She says 'I'll take the red one.'
The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'


An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?'
Girl: 'OK'
Medic: 'What's your name?'
Girl: 'Sharon.'
Medic: 'OK Sharon, is this your car?'
Sharon: 'Yes.'
Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?'
Sharon: 'Romford, mate.'

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!'
'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's fuckin' hundreds of 'em!'


Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'
Sharon: 'Ok.'
Medic: 'How many fingers have I got up?'
Sharon: 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!'


An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, 'Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uvva one's got an R on it?'
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, 'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me
Left foot'
'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!'