A humour thread

[accuracy]

Subject: Sex with George Burns at 97 yrs of age!!

:-P
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah asked, "Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."
Mr. Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."
Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."
George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it."
Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?"
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe that I have ever been so satisfied! You are a remarkable man."
George said, "The second time is even better than the first time.
Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"
George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes."
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time... At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!"
George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes."
Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?"
George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet!"

[accuracy]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either.""Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no
money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that`s really none of my Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions
but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."
"Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and
presents her to the girl,who immediately proceeds to give the baby a Good slap on the butt.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

[accuracy]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among
three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and
watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon
gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and
dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done
this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.


The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has
spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the r
emainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for
their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was very impressed.


The man thought about what each woman had done with
the money he'd given her.






GUESS WHICH ONE HE MARRIED ??????????








the one with the biggest Tit's.


.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should
be a large elderly population with perky boobs and planned erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. If you don't
send this to five of your OLDER friends right away there will be five fewer
people laughing in the world.....

[accuracy]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

[accuracy]

A video clip::)

Check it out:-

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=4668&id=1

[accuracy]

http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/182_2.jpg

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What a woman can do...... go check the video - unbelievable!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vx9UxzM3RQk

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This is where the japanese go to relax...

http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/183_2.jpg

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http://www.allhatnocattle.net/image009.jpg

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http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/thai329cuis3.jpg

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http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/25monkeystatue89037.jpg

[accuracy]

Barbie For Christmas

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, 'What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas'?

The little girl replies, 'I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe'.

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, 'I thought Barbie comes with Ken'.

'No', said the little girl. 'She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.'

[accuracy]

Must Be Tasty

A commercial video clip::D

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=4680&id=1

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http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/181_2.jpg

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http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/197_2.jpg

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http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/a_smile_for_you.jpg

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http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/doggy_dentures.jpg

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http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/fake_radar.jpg

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http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Natural_gas.jpg

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Workaholic

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/workaholic.jpg

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http://img506.imageshack.us/img506/5226/image001ha9.jpg

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http://img370.imageshack.us/img370/9664/image01615tu2.jpg

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http://img370.imageshack.us/img370/7624/image01716pn3.jpg

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http://img102.imageshack.us/img102/3312/image01817kr7.jpg

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http://img102.imageshack.us/img102/2691/image01918iu5.jpg

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http://img102.imageshack.us/img102/6929/image02019lv1.jpg

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http://img102.imageshack.us/img102/3300/image02221jh8.jpg

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http://img102.imageshack.us/img102/4485/image02322fe0.jpg

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Redneck sling shot

A 52 sec video clip:

http://www.ifilm.com/video/2819053

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/17penisreport938068.bmp

[accuracy]

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

[accuracy]

One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida.

He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"

The hooker replied "100 Bucks"

The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"

So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."

So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.

The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?"

She said "200 dollars"

"200 dollars that's a lot of money"

She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yahat by the pier, I paid for that yahat by giving head jobs."

So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life

On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."

"1000 dollars'

"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"

So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a Vagina."

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/16medival9084098.bmp

[accuracy]

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

[accuracy]

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

[accuracy]

A video clip.

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=4684&id=1

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A video clip.

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=4683&id=1

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http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/207_2.jpg

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http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/205_2.jpg

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http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/209_2.jpg

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http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/python-eating_a_sheep.jpg

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A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was home free so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"

[accuracy]

The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq. "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[accuracy]

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/in_bed.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/tree_accident.jpg

[accuracy]

>> > Clean can be funny.
>> >
>> > One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
>> > Sexy
>> > nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
>>So
>> > he
>> > tied her up and went golfing.
>> >
>> > **************************************************
>> > A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
>>the
>> > house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
>> > "Honey,
>> > pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
>> > The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>>mountain
>> > stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
>> >
>> > ****** ********************************************
>> >
>> >
>> > Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
>> > other is a husband.
>> > ********************* *****************************
>> >
>> > A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
>>First,
>> > of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a
>>card
>> > with the letters
>> >
>> > 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
>>"Read
>> > it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>> > **************************************************
>> >
>> > Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
>> > tell
>> > you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank
>> > God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
>> >
>> >
>> > **************************************************
>> > A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>> > Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
>> > "CAREFUL!
>> > Put in s ome more butter! Oh my GOD!
>> > You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
>> > THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
>> > we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
>> > Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
>> > to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
>>Have
>> > you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always
>>forget
>> > to
>> > salt them. Use the salt.
>> > USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is
>> > wrong
>> > with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The
>>husband
>> > calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm
>> > driving."
>> > **************************************************
>> >
>> > Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
>> > drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army
>> > issued
>> > him
>> > a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his
>> > second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the
>> > Army
>> > dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued
>> > him
>>a
>> > jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
>> > **************************************************
>> >
>> > Forward this to at least 5 people and see what comes on your screen,
>> > you
>> > will laugh your head off!!!!!!!
>> >
>> > This works. I don't know how
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >

[accuracy]

A video clip:

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=4692&id=1

[accuracy]

In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest.

The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.

"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation—surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/sup39medog3.jpg

[accuracy]

A video clip:

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=4691&id=1

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http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/gender/images/zzteeth.gif

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http://img258.imageshack.us/img258/703/gatesma9.jpg

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http://proctex.imagehostadvisory.com/GoodBadClips700.jpg

[louisehay]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...



1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life,
is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends you know you want to!

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/20_inches_of_snow.jpg

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http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/bathroom_instructions.jpg

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http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/oral_sex.jpg

[accuracy]

>>Subject: Snow storm alert
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>One winter morning in Iowa, a couple was listening to the radio while
>>eating
>>breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10
>>inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of
>>the street, so the snowplows can get through."
>>Norman's wife went out and moved her car.
>>A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer
>>said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your
>>car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get
>>through
>>"
>>Norman's wife went out and moved her car again.
>>The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
>>said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."
>>Then the electric power went off............
>>Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
>>said,
>>Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park
>>on so the snowplows can get through?"
>>With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married
>>to
>>blondes exhibit, Norman said .. "Why don't you just leave it in the garage
>>this time?"
>>
>>
>>
>>

[accuracy]

>>This, Just In from Muslim Heaven,
>>
>>Saddam, has just met with the first of his 72 virgins that
>>
>>Allah promised!
>>
>>
>>
>>
http://img247.imageshack.us/img247/4236/virginsm6.jpg

[accuracy]

LIVING WILL

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living
room and I
said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative
state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If
that ever
happens, just pull the plug."





She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.


She's Such A Bitch......

[louisehay]

To attach a file to a new post, simply click the [Manage Attachments] button at the bottom of the post composition page, and locate the file that you want to attach from your local hard drive.

Don't know how to attach jpeg files. Can't find the Manage Attachments button. :(

At the bottom of the this page (the page I am inputting this message) says
"you may not post attachments"..

Post attachments is only for subscribers?

Thanks

[accuracy]

Louise Hay,

I haven't used Manage Attachments until now, and discovered it only accepts small pics as i just discovered when i tried to up upload,
i got this message:
actual church window.jpg:
Your file of 135.7 KB bytes exceeds the forum's limit of 97.7 KB for this filetype. .

I always use ImageShack for uploads from my hard drive....
as you can see here:

http://img329.imageshack.us/img329/8997/actualchurchwindowpq0.jpg

[accuracy]

Don't know how to attach jpeg files. Can't find the Manage Attachments button. :(

At the bottom of the this page (the page I am inputting this message) says
"you may not post attachments"..

Post attachments is only for subscribers?

Thanks

As for attachments hehehee this isn't your inbox.
NO forum has the provision for posting users attachments.

[accuracy]

Installing windows vista (Video)

(Take this guy's advice!)

http://www.dumpalink.com/videos/Installing_Windows_Vista-87b3.html

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/crash3828waskll.jpg

[accuracy]

On a hot summer day, two nuns - both young, blonde and beautiful — are working in the church library putting away books. After working feverishly to get the job done, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I can't take this heat anymore! Do you think it would be all right if we removed our shirts to cool off while we worked?"

The second nun, feeling the heat herself, decides that it would be acceptable since no one else was present. She locked the door and closed the curtains, and then the two nuns removed their shirts and kept working. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" asks the first nun.

"It's the blind man," says the voice behind the door.

"Well, a blind man can't see our nakedness. We can let him in," the other nun says, and opens the door.

"Wow!" says the blind man, "Nice tits! I gotta run back to the truck. Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

[accuracy]

http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/214_2.jpg

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http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/219_2.jpg

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http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/terror_chess.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/out_of_bounds.jpg

[accuracy]

> >>Read the text below first before looking at the pic!

> >>To my darling husband,
> >>
> >>Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you
> >>know about the small accident I had with the Ute when I turned into the
> >>driveway.
> >>Fortunately, not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't
> >>worry too much about me.
> >>I was coming home from K-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
> >>accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The
> >>garage door is slightly bent but the Ute fortunately came to a halt when
> >>it bumped into your car.
> >>I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you
> >>will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my
> >>sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you
> >>in my arms again.
> >>Your loving wife,
> >>
> >>P.S. Your girlfriend called.

http://img128.imageshack.us/img128/1272/image7my8.jpg

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: The Aussie Dunny



>> The Aussie Dunny..a real Australian story--if ever there is
> one!
>>
>>
>>
>> Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
>>
>>
>>
>> He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
>>
>>
>>
>> We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
>>
>>
>>
>> A startled look upon his face, his trousers round his feet,
>>
>>
>>
>> The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
>>
>>
>>
>> The Constable he had his say, "foul play " was not ruled out,
>>
>>
>>
>> There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
>>
>>
>>
>> Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
>>
>>
>>
>> No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
>>
>>
>>
>> When dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
>>
>>
>>
>> "I reckon I can clear it up," said dad with trembling breath,
>>
>>
>>
>> "You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death."
>>
>>
>>
>> "This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
>>
>>
>>
>> And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
>>
>>
>>
>> So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some
> trials,
>>
>>
>>
>> They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three
> miles,
>>
>>
>>
>> Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post
> haste,
>>
>>
>>
>> And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
>>
>>
>>
>> So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,
>>
>>
>>
>> I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be "caught short",
>>
>>
>>
>> The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
>>
>>
>>
>> But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,
>>
>>
>>
>> Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,
>>
>>
>>
>> The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go,
>>
>>
>>
>> And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his
> dash--
>>
>>
>>
>> Well, he always used to hold his breath - until he heard the
> splash
>>! !
>>
>>
>>
>>
>
>

[accuracy]

A video clip......

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=4705&id=1

[accuracy]

http://img441.imageshack.us/img441/4213/chineseeyetestuy5.jpg

[accuracy]

Video clip:
:D
http://www.ifilm.com/video/2821320

[accuracy]

A 75-year-old man goes to confession and tells the priest, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex last night with two 20-year-old girls and I had sex with each one three times."

The priest says, "How long has it been since your last confession."

The man says, "I have never been to confession, I am Jewish."

"So why are you telling me?" asked the priest.

The man says, "I'm telling everybody."

[accuracy]

http://img126.imageshack.us/img126/2897/annanicolepq3.jpg

[accuracy]

Viral Videos - A tribute to Anna Nicole Smith.

http://www.ifilm.com/video/2821208

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/cutoffs0342.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/abithcilly354.jpg

[accuracy]

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

[accuracy]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.

The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared.

"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

[accuracy]

----- Subject: What would you do?

> A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a
> taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he
> asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was
> having
> an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
>
> For $100, the cabby agreed.
>
> Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
> bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and
> there was his wife in bed with another man!
>
> The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted,
> "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I
> inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for
> our new
> cabin cruiser. He paid for your football season tickets. He paid for our
> house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even
> pays
> the monthly dues!"
>
> Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the
> gun.
>
> He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
>
> The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches
> a cold!"

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/bus373hell23.jpg

[accuracy]

Something Manly

A commercial video clip:

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=4711&id=1

[accuracy]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/gender/images/zzshortstory.jpg

[tonto is a faggot]

Q)how many icke's does it take to change a light bulb ?



A)gimme 3 quid and ill tell ya :)

[tonto is a faggot]

http://img109.imageshack.us/img109//111pj0.jpg

[accuracy]

Glade you've done it again !

A commercial video clip:

http://www.ifilm.com:80/video/2822059

[accuracy]

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What
does
a woman want?"
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the
second
one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You
can have
mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/unde827wege.jpg

[accuracy]

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam."

[accuracy]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/priceless/images/pricelesskids.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/earth38quake2.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/231_2.jpg

[accuracy]

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that
was enough,
as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any
more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative
was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can,
then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest
guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit
a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and

began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"at which point he paused, placed the
beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other
hand.


This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania.

[accuracy]

http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/234_2.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/misc/images/zzolder.JPG

[accuracy]

http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/3011/theawfultruthmi0.jpg

[roxanna]

This is gross but hey...

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/wahs838labels.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/poor_dad.jpg

[accuracy]

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been > >withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Fuck You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/crazy_jump.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/acce3restroom32.jpg

[accuracy]

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[accuracy]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/signs/images/zbuzzingundies.jpg

[accuracy]

http://img291.imageshack.us/img291/2281/qldfencingyf5.jpg

[accuracy]

Subject: English, Crazy Language ?

This is for those who think German is hard. Try these..

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. (huh?)

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by coming on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

[accuracy]

Subject: Las Vegas Churches

Pretty interesting--I did not know this


Las Vegas Churches



THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT

LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CHURCHES

THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS,

THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND

THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN

AND CASHED IN.



THIS IS DONE BY CHIP MONKS!









OH, I AM SO SORRY, YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?



GOTCHA !!

[accuracy]

http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/6672/cid3faa0f6e68a34d389c6fgj6.gif

[chocky pud]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[accuracy]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[accuracy]

The doctor said, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay in about two weeks.” Then the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentioned none of this to his girl and the two got married. On their honeymoon night, she opened her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts and told him, “You’ll be the first; no one has ever touched these before.”
The new husband dropped his pants and said, “Look at this — it’s still in the crate!” >

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/real_addict.jpg

[accuracy]

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[accuracy]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/misc/images/fuckitol.jpg

[accuracy]

New York Visit

Old couple visit New York, so they get out of the airport and get into a cab.
The cab driver asks them where are they from, so the old guy says they are from Canada. The old lady, being hard of hearing, yells "what did he say?". The old man replies: "HE ASKED WHERE WE ARE FROM I SAID WERE FROM CANADA!!!"
"What part of Canada are you from?", asks the driver. "We are from Ontario", replies the old guy.
The old lady says "what did he say?", so the old man replies, "HE ASKED ME WHAT PART OF ONATARIO WE ARE FROM I SAYD WE ARE FROM OTTAWA."
The driver then says "Ottawa. Worst piece of ass i ever got was in Ottawa.".
The old lady yells "what did he say?"
"HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.", the old guy replies.

[accuracy]

Taking A Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave
the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave
birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into
the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and
this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this

bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened
16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were
taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the
dog.'

[accuracy]

One more way to protect your home.

Double CLICK ON THE UNDERLINED DOOR GUARD BELOW.


http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/8610/mooninggrans1jy.swf

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: [ The Inspection]


A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and
talked with the old farmer. "I'm going to inspect your farm."



The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field." The Ag
representative said in a wise tone, "I have the authority of the U. S.
Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish
on agricultural land." So, the old farmer went about his farm chores.



Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of
Agriculture rep running for the fence and close behind was the
farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a full nest of hornets
and the bull was gaining at every step.



The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: DEFINITION OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESSj


Following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the
most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term:



Political Correctness :


"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional,
illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous
mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is
entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/big94hapyfamil.jpg

[accuracy]

Britney Spears unleashes a bizarre umbrella attack against paparazzi from X17 Online.

Watch it:-

http://www.ifilm.com/video/2826075?cmpnid=747&em&lkdes=2826075

[accuracy]

Subject: Annual pick on men day! (sec=unclassified)

One for the ladies...

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
----------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
--------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today,"
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
"honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
--------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
--------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death
AMEN
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
----------- ---------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
--------------------------------------

Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!

[accuracy]

New Telephone Greeting:

Wouldn't it be pretty amazing, if this caught on, all over the
country...?

"GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES"

"Press "1" if you speak English." "Press '2' to disconnect until you
can.


If you agree......keep it going

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/bado93nrighborring.jpg

[accuracy]

A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/mercedes_trap.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/sta22607.JPG

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: Male or Female


You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually
either male or female.
Here are some examples:



FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because
they hold everything in, but you can
see right through them

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female,
because once turned off; it takes a
while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive
device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can also wreak havoc if
you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they
go bald easily and are often over
inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object,
because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire
under their ass.

SPONGES: These are female, because
they are soft, squeezable and retain
water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're
constantly being looked at and
frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they
always use the same old lines for
picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female
because, over time, all the weight
shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last
5000 years, they've hardly changed at
all, and are occasionally handy to
have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You
probably thought it would
be male, but consider this: It easily
gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't
always know which buttons to push, he
just keeps trying

[accuracy]

Subject: Fwd: math









Mathematics
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+ 11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Don't you just Love it!!!

[accuracy]

>>Subject: Motorcycle Heaven
>>
>>
>>
>>Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died
>>and went to heaven.
>>At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good
>>man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you
>>can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
>>
>>Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out
>>with God."
>>
>>St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
>>God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
>>invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
>>Arthur said, "Yes, that's me."
>>God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
>>pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a
>>road?"
>>
>>Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me,
>>but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
>>God said, "Yes."
>>
>>Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
>>major design flaws in your invention:
>>
>>1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions...
>>2. It chatters constantly at high speeds...
>>3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
>> >
>>4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust...
>>
>>5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
>>
>>Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
>>
>>God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
>>waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
>>God read it.
>>Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
>>Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
>>invention than yours."
>
> __________________________________________________ _______________

[louisehay]

http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/6827/neverlandwrestlingcampqp4.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/asgoodanew233.jpg

[accuracy]

On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. “Would it be right,” he asked, “for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?”

“Absolutely not!” replied the pastor, disappointed that Frank would even ask such a question.

“In that case,” said the young man, “I wonder if you’d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July.”

[accuracy]

A drunk in a bar barfs all over himself. "Giddman", he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me".
"No problem", says the bartender, as he sticks ten bucks in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.".
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife the story. She reaches into his pocket and finds out not one but two tens. "Why is there so much money?", she asks.
"Oh , yeah, he crapped in my pants, too".

[accuracy]

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey — this one here looks like yours!'"

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/safety-first_1.jpg

[accuracy]

Subject: Word Scrabble

>Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
>(Wait till you see the last one)!
>
>DORMITORY:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>DIRTY ROOM
>
>PRESBYTERIAN:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>BEST IN PRAYER
>
>ASTRONOMER:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>MOON STARER
>
>DESPERATION:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>A ROPE ENDS IT
>
>THE EYES:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>THEY SEE
>
>GEORGE BUSH:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>HE BUGS GORE
>
>THE MORSE CODE:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>HERE COME DOTS
>
>SLOT MACHINES:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>CASH LOST IN ME
>
>ANIMOSITY:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>IS NO AMITY
>
>ELECTION RESULTS:
>When you r earrange the letters:
>LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
>
>SNOOZE ALARMS:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
>
>A DECIMAL POINT:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>IM A DOT IN PLACE
>
>ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>TWELVE PLUS ONE
>
>AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
>
>MOTHER-IN-LAW:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>WOMAN HITLER
>
>
>Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
>too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)
>
>Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
>
>

[louisehay]

********************/yrphzg

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: The Husband Store




A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York
City,
where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at
the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You
may
visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may
choose to
go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to
exit
the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On
the
first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where
the sign
reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely
Good
Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -
These men
Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With
Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous,
Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
where
the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor #31,456,012 to this floor. There are
no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women
are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband
Store.

PLEASE NOTE: **To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner
opened
a New Wives store just across the street.** The first floor
has
wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex
and
have money. The third through sixth floors have never been
visited



*********************

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/butt37hole.jpg

[accuracy]

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.
"Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!".
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah. But today is the last day".

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/mans03sink2.jpg

[accuracy]

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."

[roxanna]

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

[accuracy]

http://www.bartcop.com/proof-warming.jpg

[accuracy]

GOOD KARMA – INSTRUCTIONS TO LIFE

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

3. Follow the 3 R’s:

· Respect for self

· Respect for others

· Responsibility for all your actions

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7. When you realise you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: E-moonin'












We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass



(__!__) a fat ass



(!) a tight ass



(_*_) a sore ass



{_!_} a swishy ass



(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone



(_zzz_) a tired ass



(_E=mc2_) a smart ass



(_$_) Money coming out of his ass



(_?_) Dumb Ass

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: Two Alligators!!!!



> >Two alligators sat in the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned
> >to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much
> >bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just
> >don't get it."
> >
> >"Well," said the big 'gator, "what ya been eatin', Boy?"
> >
> >"Politicians, same's you," replied the small 'gator.
> >
> >"Hmm. Well, where ya catch 'em?"
> >
> >"Down t'other side the swamp near the parking' lot, by the Capitol."
> >
> >"Same here. Hmm. How ya catch 'em?"
> >
> >"Well, I crawls up under one of 'em's Lexus and wait for 'em to
> >
> >unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit
> >out'em, and eat 'em!"
> >
> >"Ah !" says the big alligator, "I think I see yer problem. You ain't
> >gettin' any real nourishment. See? By the time you done shaking' the
> >shit out of a politician, there ain't nothing' left but an asshole and a
> >briefcase!"

[accuracy]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/priceless/images/pricelesszclubin.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/computers/images/givingadamn.gif

[accuracy]

A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order.

One day the pharmacist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

"So," the pharmacist asked, "then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

[accuracy]

http://img148.imageshack.us/img148/5710/att21511951ko0.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/luxurious_camping_car.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/269.jpg

[accuracy]

Quickies Available Now in Toilet Ask Staff

[h1s_l0rdsh1p]

(No offense to the scottish)

A guy walks into a bar hold an aquarium with an octopus inside of it.
He steps onto the stage, and takes the octopus out of the aquarium and puts it on a stool.

He tells everyone in the room that this octopus can play ANY musical insturment you give it. He told them that they would bet $50(american)dollars, and he gets the money if the octopus can play the insturment within 5 minutes. But if the octopus can't, the person gets all the money the guy won for the evening.

So one guy takes up the offer laughing, give the octopus a guitar and lays a fifty on the table.
Within a matter of seconds, the octopus picks up the guitar, and starts playing rythms that Hendrix would be jealous of.
Everybody is stunned. So another guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus looks at it, studies it abit. Then starts playing some of the jazziest scat they've EVER heard.

Another guy moves the octopus over to a piano. The second the octopus sits down, he is play melodies that would make Mozart cry.

Finally, a scottsman walked over and gave the octopus some bag-pipes..

The octopus looks at it, and studies it.
He flips it over and studies it some more.

5 minutes have gone by, and the scottsman wants his money. The guys asks the octopus what is taking him so long, how come he hasn't figured out to play it?

the octopus replys:
"Play it? I was trying to figure out how to undress it to shag it!"

[tru3]

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of
American Indian Nations two weeks ago in Upstate New York. She spoke for
almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's
present standard of living, should she one day become the first female
President.

*She referred to her career as a New York Senator, and how she had
Signed "yes" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval...
However, the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, but she
seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red
sisters and brothers." *

*At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator
with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.*

*The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the
crowds. A news reporter later made an inquiry to the chiefs of how they had
come to select the new name given to the Senator. *

*They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so
full of shit it can no longer fly.

-via email

[h1s_l0rdsh1p]

Ok, here in The Netherlands, you have a sportsdrink called: AA Sports...


Now, I'm working here with a guy from England, and he asks me:
-Would you like a drink?

I tell him:
-No thank you. I'm in the middle of my AA.

So he replies:
-Well, that's great, but I was just offering a coke.


:D LOL

[accuracy]

..for more humour?:)

--------------------

The UnHived Mind deserves to be number 1
in the Conspiracy site...(we all know that!)

Vote for The UnHived Mind everyday, offline or online
and don't forget to click on the UnHived Mind banner
as well,in the Top Conspiracy Site.

Vist :Guantanamo Bay-Prison-Torture, News Articles
...including David Hicks.
http://z13.invisionfree.com/THE_UNHIVED_MI...php?showforum=2

[father ted]

Hey accuracy, how come you only post in the humor section? And we can't private message you? (so I asked this question here):confused: :confused: :confused: :confused:

[accuracy]

Hey accuracy, how come you only post in the humor section? And we can't private message you? (so I asked this question here):confused: :confused: :confused: :confused:

I think i've been kicking up a little stink, and they do not like me.
And no, i have a few threads within this forum.(You obviously have not checked them out.) But i have been posting in the unhivedMind
website.

Tony Stelmach

tonyst@iprimus.com.au

[accuracy]

Big spider

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/freak_you_out.jpg

[accuracy]

Stolen peanuts

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

[accuracy]

Hanging Station

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/hangi39statio.jpg

[accuracy]

Doctor Affair

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him. "Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Joe, you're a vet."

[accuracy]

Cough Treatment

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[accuracy]

Redneck Birthday

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/redne98birthda.jpg

[accuracy]

Air Conditioner Ad

http://img137.imageshack.us/img137/4585/bestairconadas0.jpg

[accuracy]

Extreme Skydiving

youtube video-01:18

http://img.youtube.com/vi/XZxo7IznQnk/2.jpg

http://youtube.com/watch?v=uJGkOepKEQc

[accuracy]

Iron My Shirt

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/ioron39shirt.jpg

[accuracy]

Smart Investment

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.

"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

[accuracy]

Tarzan

When you have lots of imagination...

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/tarzan.jpg

[accuracy]

Turbo bike

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/turbo_bike.jpg

[accuracy]

Fallen crane

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/falling-crane.jpg

[accuracy]

Giant truck load

http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/341.jpg

[accuracy]

moron's

Middle aged women should stay at home.

A must watch video clip!:D

http://www.ifilm.com:80/video/2844782

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: Pregnancy questions answered

>> *_Pregnancy_**
>>
>> Q: Should I have a baby after 35?*/
>> A: No, 35 children is enough./*
>>
>> Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?*/
>> A: With any luck, right after he finishes high school./*
>>
>> Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?*/
>> A: Childbirth./*
>>
>> Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
>> borderline irrational.*/
>> A: So what's your question?/*
>>
>> Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
>> but pressure. Is she right?*/
>> A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current./*
>>
>> Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?*/
>> A: Right after you find out you're pregnant./*
>>
>> Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
>> in labor?*/
>> A: Not unless the word "divorce" means anything to you./*
>>
>> Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?*/
>> A: Yes, pregnancy./*
>>
>> Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?*/
>> A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly./*
>>
>> Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
>> normal again?*/
>> A: When the kids are in high school~!/
>>
>> //

[accuracy]

Just checking my care factor for the week.

http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/1396/cid003a01c7810a88747ca0qw2.gif

Nope - Still don't give a shit.

[accuracy]

True Love Story

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/love94story.jpg

[accuracy]

Realizing

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."

Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.

"No... I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"

[accuracy]

Making A Fortune

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[accuracy]

Boats

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Boats.jpg

[accuracy]

Dumb husband

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten bastard," says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

[accuracy]

Mr. Bean - In The Hospital

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/vy9iQaZR.jpg

8 min. video clip.:D

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1136892940/Mr._Bean_-_In_the_Hospital

[accuracy]

The ultimate wine glass

http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/2866/ultimatewineglassze1.jpg

[accuracy]

Nasty Eye Trick

http://img.shoutfile.com/t/t_LvJeJnVw.jpg

This guy has developed a rather disgusting skill with his eyes.

A short video clip:

http://www.shoutfile.com/v/LvJeJnVw/Nasty_Eye_Trick

[accuracy]

One for the Kiwi's!!

http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/4443/image001am8.jpg

[accuracy]

Huge Pile Of Chairs

http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/images/H9tp2tTn.jpg

[accuracy]

Taxi Incident

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[accuracy]

You Sure Have

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/beat38anorxe.jpg

[accuracy]

Two People

A mother and son are walking through a cemetery, and pass by a headstone inscribed - "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy reads the headstone, looks up at his mother, and asks "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

[accuracy]

Out Of Letters

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/stal0letters.jpg

[accuracy]

Urinal Assistance

http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/images/7eZYtMBE.jpg

[accuracy]

Do Not Piss On An Electric Fence

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/DXWk9NXX.jpg

A short video clip:

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1177422132/Do_Not_Piss_On_An_Electric_Fence

[accuracy]

http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/images/84SBg8nh.jpg

[accuracy]

Bra Types

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type.Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

[accuracy]

VIP Tickets

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/beiugnf2cheap.jpg

[accuracy]

Should Get A Bigger Car

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/cheap30truck.jpg

[accuracy]

Kind Assassins

Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises.

So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go.

Noon comes, no dictator... 10 minutes longer... no dictator.

One assassin turns to the other and says, "Gee, I hope nothing happened to him."

[accuracy]

Decisions, Decisions!

http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/images/z8TAU6Fq.jpg

[accuracy]

Too Much Information

http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/images/7Q4jUhFi.jpg

[accuracy]

A Moment in HISTORY

Did you know that at three minutes and four seconds after 2 AM on the 5th of June this year, the time and date will be 02:03:04 05/06/07. This will never happen again… unless you are American and get in early with their backward date on the 6th of May.
Now you know everything.

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: "Sniffing dog"



>A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when

>another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever

>in the middle seat next to the man.

>

>The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is

>allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and

>the dog is a "sniffing dog."

>

>"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get

>airborne, when I put him to work."

>

>The plane takes off and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch

>this

>" He tells Sniffer to "search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle

>and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

>Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

>

>The agent says, "Good boy" and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is

>in possession of marijuana so I'm making a note of her seat number and the

>authorities will apprehend her when we land."

>

>"Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man.

>

>Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs

>about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and

>this time he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

>

>The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine so again, I'm making a note

>of his seat number for the police."

>

>"I like it!" says his seat mate.

>

>The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down

>the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment and then came racing

>back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all

>over the place.

>

>The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out

>how or why a well-trained dog would act like that so he asks the agent

>"What's going on?"

>

>The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

>

>

[accuracy]

Mr Bean's sister

http://img253.imageshack.us/img253/1713/schwestervonmrbeanlk4.jpg

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: Three little ducks go into a bar

>>
>>
>>Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
>>
>>"Huey," was the reply.
>>
>>"How's your day been, Huey?"
>>
>>
>>"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
>>What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
>>
>>"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,
>>"Hi, and what's your name?"
>>
>>
>>"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
>>
>>"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
>>
>>
>>"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all
>
>>day myself. What else could a duck want?"
>>
>>The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be
> Louie?"
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
>>
>>"My name is Puddles."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Now tell me you're NOT going to forward this!
>>
>>
>>
>

[accuracy]

http://www.b3tards.com/u/a609ede35986cfd048a1/yeltsin-state-small.jpg

[accuracy]

Nursing Home

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[accuracy]

http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/353.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/kids/images/howbabiesaredelivered.jpg

[accuracy]

Loud Foul Mouth

My God woman, shut up!

A short video clip:

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/3tRiHCmr.jpg

(Be warned that this clip has a lot of swearing!)

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1177682171/Loud_Foul_Mouth

[accuracy]

At last, a Magazine for Married Men

http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/6669/pic05447ay3.jpg

[accuracy]

Efficiency

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/effic8e93cy.jpg

[accuracy]

Police at work

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/police_at_work.jpg

[accuracy]

Video game addict

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/video_game_addict.jpg

[accuracy]

Very bad position

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/very_bad_position.jpg

[accuracy]

Sherlock goes camping

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were out camping one night. After pitching the tent and rolling out the sleeping bags, they decide to turn in. In the middle of the night, Holmes violently shakes Watson awake. "Watson," he says, "look at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see the stars." replies Watson.

"Yes, and what does that tell you?"

Watson takes a big breath "Astronomically speaking, it means that we are insignificant among the spectrum of the universe, phycologically speaking that we are only creating a dent in the infinant mystery of life, and theologically speaking that God rules all things. How about you, sir?"

"What it tells me," he says, "is that someone has stolen our tent."

[accuracy]

Weather Station

http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/images/58SU8YVM.jpg

[accuracy]

>> Subject: [joke] A fishing tale

>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>> >> A man was fishing. He began his outing with a 25kg Kingfish on
>>> the
>>>> >> first drop and a 20 lb snapper on the second.
>>>> >> On the third drop he had just scored his first ever King
>>> Terakihi
>>>> >> when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that
>>> his
>>>>
>>>> >> wife had
>>>> >> just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition
>>> in
>>>>
>>>> >> ICU.
>>>> >>
>>>> >> The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that
>>>>the
>>>> >> he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he
>>>> >> was leaving,
>>>> >> what was shaping up to be, his best ever fishing trip. He
>>>> >> decided to get
>>>> >> in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.
>>>> >>
>>>> >> He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had
>>>>his
>>>> >> best days fishing by far. He was jubilant....
>>>> >> Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the
>>>> >> hospital.
>>>> >>
>>>> >> He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's
>>>> >> condition.
>>>> >> The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept
>>>> >> Fishing
>>>> >> didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were
>>> out
>>>>
>>>> >> for the
>>>> >> past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has
>>>>been
>>>> >> languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and
>>>> >> finished
>>>> >> the fishing because it will be more than likely your last!"
>>>> >>
>>>> >> "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock
>>> care.
>>>> >> And you'll be her care giver!"
>>>> >>
>>>> >> The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
>>>> >>
>>>> >> The doctor snickered and said, "Just fucking with you. She's
>>> dead.
>>>> >> What'd you catch?"
>>>>
>>>>

[accuracy]

If farts smelled like roses...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v662/HulaHal/Fark/beanbouquet.jpg

[accuracy]

If farts smelled like roses...(cont)

http://img113.imageshack.us/img113/3701/farthd7.jpg

[accuracy]

If farts smelled like roses...(cont)

http://www.gritsngravy.net/images/febrass.jpg

[accuracy]

If farts smelled like roses...(cont)

http://www.slicknovel.com/fark/notbuttgas2.jpg

[accuracy]

If farts smelled like roses...(cont)

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/mikeh455/fark/IfFartsSmelledLikeRoses.jpg

[accuracy]

If farts smelled like roses...(cont)

http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t195/khelemarumba/FartSuit.jpg

[accuracy]

If farts smelled like roses...(cont)

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h75/aussie_bob/PanBouquet.jpg

[accuracy]

If farts smelled like roses...(cont)

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h73/slinkyfarm/AppetiteforBurritos.jpg

[accuracy]

If farts smelled like roses...(end)

Dead Horse

http://i159.photobucket.com/albums/t138/ghostgoat/deadhorse.jpg

[accuracy]

Thanks to http://www.fark.com/

[accuracy]

Just Married

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/just29married.jpg

[accuracy]

No Kidding

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[accuracy]

Fire Without Matches

Neat little trick.

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/ehtjE5Wi.jpg

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1178188077/Fire_Without_Matches

[accuracy]

Seaweed Penis

http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/images/VL0LHCKd.jpg

[accuracy]

http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/images/34ypsk6N.jpg

[accuracy]

Whole Can In Mouth

http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/images/Rt5tJ7zf.jpg

[accuracy]

Resentment

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/rese234tment.jpg

[accuracy]

Blind´s Sports

A blind man was describing his favorite sport... parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh..... the dog's leash goes slack."

[accuracy]

Owned

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/owned.jpg

[accuracy]

Modest Sunbathers

http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/images/uiKRX8k4.jpg

[accuracy]

Illusion

http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/images/iabm6Ar6.jpg

[accuracy]

Best Bathroom Ever

http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/images/MwMDk6wA.jpg

[accuracy]

Definition Of Suffer

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/suffer944ing.jpg

[accuracy]

Weight Check

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/misc/images/gojog.jpg

[tinmenace]

I'm not sure if this one has been posted, but I thought I'd post it anyway :D

http://a3.vox.com/6a00c22527a98bf21900c225291ab38e1d-500pi

[accuracy]

Women's Dream Toilet

http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/images/YkSJJpHj.jpg

[accuracy]

Hamsters In Love

http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/images/7Bd0C1DE.jpg

[accuracy]

Appropriate Snack Time

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/time084time.jpg