God is a Woman! Biblical Proof!

[seamus]

Hi friends,
It's me, Seamus, with my Bible Chapter of the week. Hope you're edified by our program. Let's get on with it, shall we?

Lesseee here... (flips through a big, impressive book)

Ah yes, Job 38! King James Version! (cue Gregorian chanting)

1 Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said, 2 Who is this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge?3 Gird up now thy loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me.


Who upbraids a man like that... but a Woman!


4 Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding. 5 Who hath laid the measures thereof, if thou knowest? or who hath stretched the line upon it?



Who is always worried about her measurements... but a Woman!


6 Whereupon are the foundations thereof fastened? or who laid the corner stone thereof; 7 When the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy? 8 Or who shut up the sea with doors, when it brake forth, as if it had issued out of the womb?

O ho hohhh! Here's where I get my tongue out of my cheek. Yes, a WOMB.


9 When I made the cloud the garment thereof, and thick darkness a swaddlingband for it,


Ever see a man make swaddling clothes? It's not a pretty sight.


10 And brake up for it my decreed place, and set bars and doors, 11 And said, Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further: and here shall thy proud waves be stayed?
12 Hast thou commanded the morning since thy days; and caused the dayspring to know his place;

I guess she told HIM!


13 That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be shaken out of it? 14 It is turned as clay to the seal; and they stand as a garment. 15 And from the wicked their light is withholden, and the high arm shall be broken.

Okay, she's a BLACK Woman! "Don't you hold your arm up when I'm whoopin' you!"


[...]

25 Who hath divided a watercourse for the overflowing of waters, or a way for the lightning of thunder; 26 To cause it to rain on the earth, where no man is; on the wilderness, wherein there is no man;

Got that? NO MAN, implying God is not one!

27 To satisfy the desolate and waste ground; and to cause the bud of the tender herb to spring forth? 28 Hath the rain a father?

Of course not! This rhetorical question needn't be answered because God's a WOMAN!

or who hath begotten the drops of dew?

Hmm.. begetting drops of dew, eh? Telling! :p

29 Out of whose womb came the ice?

Here we go with the WOMB again!

and the hoary frost of heaven, who hath gendered it? 30 The waters are hid as with a stone, and the face of the deep is frozen. 31 Canst thou bind the sweet influences of Pleiades, or loose the bands of Orion?

Only a woman would characterize the influence of SEVEN women as "sweet"!

32 Canst thou bring forth Mazzaroth in his season? or canst thou guide Arcturus with his sons? 33 Knowest thou the ordinances of heaven? canst thou set the dominion thereof in the earth? 34 Canst thou lift up thy voice to the clouds, that abundance of waters may cover thee? 35 Canst thou send lightnings, that they may go, and say unto thee, Here we are? 36 Who hath put wisdom in the inward parts?

Inward parts, not outward! ;)

or who hath given understanding to the heart? 37 Who can number the clouds in wisdom? or who can stay the bottles of heaven,....

A womb is shaped like a bottle!

There we are, friends. Job 38 proves that God is a woman. You will never find any verses espressly defining Her as a man!


s




P.S. This is all in fun. Hope the Christians (and feminists) on the board don't stone me :p

[pollock]

Hmm, that explains a great deal!:D

[h1s_l0rdsh1p]

Okay...


So that makes me ask...

With all the terrible shit going on in the world.

Is she on her period or something?

And if she is, is there a place I can go hang out until she's done because this ain't no normal woman I guess :D

[i_am]

Okay...


So that makes me ask...

With all the terrible shit going on in the world.

Is she on her period or something?

And if she is, is there a place I can go hang out until she's done because this ain't no normal woman I guess :D


Maybe she is menopausal and that, my friend, is worse. :eek:

[h1s_l0rdsh1p]

Maybe she is menopausal and that, my friend, is worse. :eek:

:eek:

http://www.shroomery.org/forums/images/graemlins/bowdown.gif ALLAH ALKBAR! ALLAH ALKBAR!!

[geo2]

GOD is everything...what God favors is another story !

Ave Maria ! Mother-of-GOD, dig-it ! Infinity

:rolleyes: :)

[eternal_spirit]

Maybe God is a haemaphrodite, wouldn't we need a God and a goddess to have children?. Some creatures on earh like the sea horse dont need the other sex ( a mate) to reproduce.

[cheeb]

nowherewhether an imagined being is a man or a woman misses the point you could argue for hours whether your car is a male or female its a pointless argument and it goes

[cheeb]

nowhere it misses the point and is a distraction

[seamus]

nowhere it misses the point and is a distraction
Oh come on... You're taking this entirely too seriously!

IT IS A JOKE! AHAHAHAHAAAA!

I am havin a larf!!!

HOOOOHAAAAA!!!!

:D:D:D

s

[tinmenace]

Okay...


So that makes me ask...

With all the terrible shit going on in the world.

Is she on her period or something?

And if she is, is there a place I can go hang out until she's done because this ain't no normal woman I guess :D

HAHAHAHAHA!!! You crack me up! Well done indeed!

[cheeb]

Sorry missed the point there,
god was a woman wth thrush, she appeared to moses as a burning bush and was always giving him her tablets,and did you here abbout the time when jesus went to mount olive,
Popeye was furious!

[earthseed]

The bibical god hates women. He's just a little boy pretending to be a man.

:p

[illuminist]

Give the word God two o's and that's that. Makow falls down the pothole of God when all it should be about is good, unfortunately.

[paparazzi]

beautiful. am luving it

[oddblock]

So that's what all those nagging voices in my head are... :eek:







:D sorry...

[mephibosheth]

Burning 'bush' LOL.

God as a woman eh...no wonder God is so jealous all the time! :p

Anyone see the episode of the cartoon American Dad where the son has a vision of God in the desert and God represents itself as Angelina Jolie?

:D

[bornagain]

So that's what all those nagging voices in my head are... :eek:







:D sorry...

I honestly can't understand if the men are "so smarter than women" than why haven't you figured it out if you actually do the things that the female tells you to do, she will actually stop nagging and will probably have more energy to do freaky things in the bedroom. :rolleyes::D:eek:


~Born Again :)

[miracles]

Maybe God is a haemaphrodite, wouldn't we need a God and a goddess to have children?. Some creatures on earh like the sea horse dont need the other sex ( a mate) to reproduce.

you wouldnt wanna be hung like sea horse then huh?

[1977]

Proverbs 8:

1 Doth not Wisdom cry? and understanding put forth her voice?
2 She standeth in the top of high places, by the way in the places of the paths.
3 She crieth at the gates, at the entry of the city, at the coming in at the doors.
4 Unto you, O men, I call; and my voice is to the sons of man.
5 O ye simple, understand Wisdom: and, ye fools, be ye of an understanding heart.
6 Hear; for I will speak of excellent things; and the opening of my lips shall be right things.
7 For my mouth shall speak truth; and wickedness is an abomination to my lips.
8 All the words of my mouth are in righteousness; there is nothing froward or perverse in them.
9 They are all plain to him that understandeth, and right to them that find knowledge.
10 Receive my instruction, and not silver; and knowledge rather than choice gold.
11 For Wisdom is better than rubies; and all the things that may be desired are not to be compared to it.
12 I Wisdom dwell with prudence, and find out knowledge of witty inventions.
13 The fear of the LORD is to hate evil: pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward mouth, do I hate.
14 Counsel is mine, and sound Wisdom: I am understanding; I have strength.
15 By me kings reign, and princes decree justice.
16 By me princes rule, and nobles, even all the judges of the earth.
17 I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me.
18 Riches and honour are with me; yea, durable riches and righteousness.
19 My fruit is better than gold, yea, than fine gold; and my revenue than choice silver.
20 I lead in the way of righteousness, in the midst of the paths of judgment:
21 That I may cause those that love me to inherit substance; and I will fill their treasures.
22 The LORD possessed me in the beginning of his way, before his works of old.
23 I was set up from everlasting, from the beginning, or ever the earth was.
24 When there were no depths, I was brought forth; when there were no fountains abounding with water.
25 Before the mountains were settled, before the hills was I brought forth:
26 While as yet he had not made the earth, nor the fields, nor the highest part of the dust of the world.
27 When he prepared the heavens, I was there: when he set a compass upon the face of the depth:
28 When he established the clouds above: when he strengthened the fountains of the deep:
29 When he gave to the sea his decree, that the waters should not pass his commandment: when he appointed the foundations of the earth:
30 Then I was by him, as one brought up with him: and I was daily his delight, rejoicing always before him;
31 Rejoicing in the habitable part of his earth; and my delights were with the sons of men.
32 Now therefore hearken unto me, O ye children: for blessed are they that keep my ways.
33 Hear instruction, and be wise, and refuse it not.
34 Blessed is the man that heareth me, watching daily at my gates, waiting at the posts of my doors.
35 For whoso findeth me findeth life, and shall obtain favour of the LORD.
36 But he that sinneth against me wrongeth his own soul: all they that hate me love death.

[miracles]

Proverbs 8:

1 Doth not Wisdom cry? and understanding put forth her voice?
2 She standeth in the top of high places, by the way in the places of the paths.
3 She crieth at the gates, at the entry of the city, at the coming in at the doors.
4 Unto you, O men, I call; and my voice is to the sons of man.
5 O ye simple, understand Wisdom: and, ye fools, be ye of an understanding heart.
6 Hear; for I will speak of excellent things; and the opening of my lips shall be right things.
7 For my mouth shall speak truth; and wickedness is an abomination to my lips.
8 All the words of my mouth are in righteousness; there is nothing froward or perverse in them.
9 They are all plain to him that understandeth, and right to them that find knowledge.
10 Receive my instruction, and not silver; and knowledge rather than choice gold.
11 For Wisdom is better than rubies; and all the things that may be desired are not to be compared to it.
12 I Wisdom dwell with prudence, and find out knowledge of witty inventions.
13 The fear of the LORD is to hate evil: pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward mouth, do I hate.
14 Counsel is mine, and sound Wisdom: I am understanding; I have strength.
15 By me kings reign, and princes decree justice.
16 By me princes rule, and nobles, even all the judges of the earth.
17 I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me.
18 Riches and honour are with me; yea, durable riches and righteousness.
19 My fruit is better than gold, yea, than fine gold; and my revenue than choice silver.
20 I lead in the way of righteousness, in the midst of the paths of judgment:
21 That I may cause those that love me to inherit substance; and I will fill their treasures.
22 The LORD possessed me in the beginning of his way, before his works of old.
23 I was set up from everlasting, from the beginning, or ever the earth was.
24 When there were no depths, I was brought forth; when there were no fountains abounding with water.
25 Before the mountains were settled, before the hills was I brought forth:
26 While as yet he had not made the earth, nor the fields, nor the highest part of the dust of the world.
27 When he prepared the heavens, I was there: when he set a compass upon the face of the depth:
28 When he established the clouds above: when he strengthened the fountains of the deep:
29 When he gave to the sea his decree, that the waters should not pass his commandment: when he appointed the foundations of the earth:
30 Then I was by him, as one brought up with him: and I was daily his delight, rejoicing always before him;
31 Rejoicing in the habitable part of his earth; and my delights were with the sons of men.
32 Now therefore hearken unto me, O ye children: for blessed are they that keep my ways.
33 Hear instruction, and be wise, and refuse it not.
34 Blessed is the man that heareth me, watching daily at my gates, waiting at the posts of my doors.
35 For whoso findeth me findeth life, and shall obtain favour of the LORD.
36 But he that sinneth against me wrongeth his own soul: all they that hate me love death.

Love the proverbs, wisdom crys on the threads, she's crying out loud :D

[oddblock]

I honestly can't understand if the men are "so smarter than women" than why haven't you figured it out if you actually do the things that the female tells you to do, she will actually stop nagging and will probably have more energy to do freaky things in the bedroom. :rolleyes::D:eek:


~Born Again :)

:D I'll give that a go!

[amethyst]

I honestly can't understand if the men are "so smarter than women" than why haven't you figured it out if you actually do the things that the female tells you to do, she will actually stop nagging and will probably have more energy to do freaky things in the bedroom. :rolleyes::D:eek:


~Born Again :)

This is true. Helpfulness around the house = fun time in the bedroom :D

[miracles]

I honestly can't understand if the men are "so smarter than women" than why haven't you figured it out if you actually do the things that the female tells you to do, she will actually stop nagging and will probably have more energy to do freaky things in the bedroom. :rolleyes::D:eek:


~Born Again :)

Man might think hes the head of the household, but woman are the neck. :)

[mephibosheth]

Man might think hes the head of the household, but woman are the pain in the neck. :)

You said it!!!

:D:D:D

[hunter77]

You said it!!!

:D:D:D

you may as well belive in the lord of the rings as the bible and it is better written with more true historical facts. hail the men of the west, love the heathen gods and fuk jesus ;)

[miracles]

You said it!!!

:D:D:D

lol (disinf agent twisting what I say again):D (Im kidding)

[dlb2007]

God is a Woman! Biblical Proof!

Ge 1:27

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

[hagbard_celine]

Yes, God has to be female!

If God were man then testicles would not be on the outside and men would be able to have multiple orgasms!:D